Are You a High Value Co-Parent?

Co-parenting after divorce is challenging, but our behavior influences how difficult it will be long-term

As a newly solo parent, I’ve been thinking a fair bit about co-parenting and how to make the most of shared care. I came across a podcast from the awesome guys at Art of Charm about being a “High Value” person and, as it does, my brain started turning over how this idea can be applied to parenting.

I think co-parenting is one of those tricky things that you never really plan on doing. I certainly didn’t. But now that we’re here I want to get it right for my kids.

My parents were divorced and always did an amazing job of respectfully co-parenting. To us kids they seemed to be generous in their flexibility with each other, cooperative and kind. They had firm boundaries around who did what when, but during hard times especially (like in the teen years!) they worked together to do what was best for us wherever they could.

I wonder if it was those three things: co-operation, kindness and generosity — which my parents showed each other — that led to their success in co-parenting.

The three qualities of “High Value” people

The podcast argued that co-operation, kindness and generosity are the three qualities that make you a “High Value” person. Someone who is great to have around. A great friend, work mate, and partner.

High value people draw in other high value people too. They attract them, because who doesn’t want to have cooperative, kind and generous friends? And I’m not talking about generous with money or things here. High value people might be generous in that way too, but when you generously give people the attention, acceptance and approval that everyone needs and wants (like I talked about in this post) that’s even more valuable than gifts or money.

Generously giving your attention is a powerful gift

When I was a life-line counselor I realized how valuable it is to people to have someone give you their undivided attention and really listen. Generously giving people your time and undivided attention is super valuable.

How often do you get someone’s undivided attention now? It’s one of the biggest things people complain about isn’t it. I’m always coming across articles about how we need to unplug from our noisy, distracting, busy world. With our phones dinging for our attention, demanding work schedules, busy family life, the super addictive properties of Facebook and Instagram…. we all know we are competing with so many things! Undivided attention isn’t an easy thing to give.

As a Life-Line counselor, I sat in a tiny sealed-off room with no noise and no distractions. When I was on the phone with someone it was like they were the only person in the world. And people loved it.

I couldn’t tell you how many times a person told me how much it meant to them to just have those 20 minutes of someone fully listening. 20 minutes! That was all we gave them. And, usually, that was all they needed. We didn’t even do any official “counselling” — we just listened. How easy is that?

And if you are kind and generous with your time, you’ll pretty quickly find other people act the same towards you.

Being a high value person also makes you a high value parent

Co-operative. Kind. Generous.

1. Co-operating with your children and their other parent whenever you can. (Be aware that this is not so easy if the other parent is narcissistic or combative. Sometimes it is not possible or even safe to cooperate. A different approach is needed in this instance.)
2. Generously giving your kids the three A’s: Acceptance, Attention and Approval.
3. And, like we quote often in our family, “If you can choose, then choose to be kind.” Even if they are not kind to you. Even when you don’t feel like being kind! Very importantly though — kind is different to nice. Sometimes the kindest thing to do is give your child strict boundaries (which they may not think is nice!). Remember to also be kind to yourself.

The alternative: Low Value parenting

I quite like the idea of High Value parenting (and co-parenting). And, to me, the alternative just doesn’t sit well. Low value parenting seems like the best way to end up spiraling down into a pretty negative place.

Low value behaviors can be tempting at times but they are generally short-term fixes to problems. Here are three low value behaviors:

1. Blaming

This is one low value behavior that is tricky to avoid. When things go wrong — the kids are being hard work, or you’re running late for their dance class again — it’s so easy to blame the other parent or our children. I’ve been here. “If only they’d stop mucking around! I told them 10 minutes ago to put their shoes on!” Seriously hard when you’re stressed out.

2. Being argumentative or combative

Also a tricky low value behavior, especially in the co-parenting situation where, obviously, things haven’t been going well between you and the other parent. Every discussion, even simple things, turn into a fight.

3. Playing the victim

If you find yourself in a pattern of complaining, making yourself smaller, giving up your power, or in some other way slipping into a victim role, try to assess what’s going on. We can do this both with the other parent and with our children. I’ve heard parents say things along the lines of: “My four year old son bullies me and hits me. I just end up crying. I just don’t even like him anymore.” This sort of powerless victim-mentality will never get the issue resolved. Getting professional help is sometimes necessary (and a way to get your power back!) in these instances.

Other low value behaviors include being passive, begging, people pleasing (being too agreeable), or being competitive. Competitive parenting and comparing ourselves to other parents, as easy as it is to do, just puts us on the slippery slope to depression.

So let’s all do our best to drop those low value behaviors that hold us back and keep us miserable. Let’s aim to be cooperative, kind and generous. To be those High Value people and High Value parents our kids need — whether we are parenting together, alone or co-parenting!

If you are recently divorced or separated grab your own copy of: Kids Ask Hard Questions: 15 questions kids ask during separation and divorce (and how to answer them). I’ve made this ebook completely free for people who sign up to my email list, because even if we’re solo parents, we don’t have to do it all on our own!