Member-only story
The Fear of Being Alone at Night Trapped Me in a Bad Marriage
The lies we tell ourselves
My 15-year marriage had been deteriorating since the start. We never had a ‘honeymoon period’. The fighting and stress and problems started immediately.
I knew, at our 15-year anniversary, that it was time to leave. I’d tried to leave eight years earlier — things had become toxic and unhealthy for everyone, especially for my children — but I hung in there. I stayed out of hope of things getting better. But I also stayed out of fear.
When life is scary
I’ve always struggled with anxiety. Even as a child, I made my dad walk around the outside of our house every night checking for fire risks. I had vivid nightmares and a fear of intruders that hung with me into adulthood. Every time my now-ex husband went away for a few nights, I would lie awake for hours — sometimes all night — listening for noises, imagining home invasions, barely able to breathe through the crushing fear clamped around my ribcage.
By the time he came home, I was a nervous wreck.
I knew I was being illogical. I had a number of female friends who lived alone. My own mother has lived happily alone for most of her life.
