When They’re So Easily Offended
Is it your fault or theirs?
I lived with Kate for a year and although she was smart, fun, kind and sweet, she was also one of the most easily offended people I’ve ever met.
Friends or family members who are always offended by what you say and do can make you feel like a terrible person. I didn’t mean to upset them! you think. Am I really so offensive? It’s always good to ask questions and examine your own behavior. But when your loved one takes offense often, there may be more going on to indicate it’s not you, it’s them.
During my second year at uni my friend and I decided to move into a flat with two other girls we’d met and gotten along with. The four of us became a little family.
We’d spend most of our days studying alone in our rooms but meet in the lounge every night for hot chocolate. Wrapped in our sleeping bags during winter to save money on heating, we hugged our hot drinks and laughed about the “boyfriends” lined up on our mantle-piece. Kate had found our boyfriends in some advertising material in the letterbox one day. The pamplet-sized little men in various work uniforms became the feature of our otherwise undecorated lounge. We affectionately named them and gave them imagined personalities.
Living with Kate was a lot of fun, as long as you were careful about what you said.
Then one day, Kate bought home a real boyfriend. I’d met him before and didn’t think much of him. He had stereotypical good-looks: buff and tall, with a carefully groomed hairstyle and wandering eyes. Arrogance oozed from his pores and Kate worshipped him like a drunk groupie. “He’s going to break her heart,” I thought.
She’d invited him over for dinner and, because he was Kate’s guy, I decided to be friendly. I stopped in to the kitchen to make a brief appearance.
He was leaning up against the kitchen bench, legs wide, chest out, silently watching Kate cook for him.
“I’m Kelly, Kate’s flatmate,” I shook his hand and plastered on a smile. We chatted for a few minutes, mostly about his studies, before I excused myself.
At breakfast the next morning, I greeted Kate with a smile. “How was your night?”
The silent icy stare I got in reply was a familiar one: someone had offended her. Did he break her heart already? Damn, that was quick.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
“Like you’d care,” she shot back. Grabbing an apple, she threw her bag over her shoulder and slammed the door on her way out of the house.
After a week of silence, I finally discovered what Kate was upset about through another flatmate. That night in the kitchen, she’d interpreted my friendly chat as an attempt to steal her boyfriend.
That’ll be easy to clear up! I thought. I can’t even stand the guy. I knocked on her bedroom door and poked my head in.
“Hey, Kate. Can we talk?”
She kept her back to me and didn’t answer. I’d expected as much. Kate was never the kind of person to let things go without a fight.
“Hey, just so you know, I wasn’t trying to steal your boyfriend. I actually don’t like him at all. I think he’s kind of arrogant. I was just being friendly because you like him.”
I realized my mistake instantly. Stupid 21-year-old me. I was trying to make her feel better and instead insulted the guy she worshipped. Her shoulders stiffened. “Get out.”
It was the last thing she said to me for 6 months.
The stupid things we say
Most of us say stupid things to the people we care about. As soon as you hear it, you know it didn’t come out right. We don’t always explain ourselves quite the way we mean to and the message gets muddled. None of us are perfect communicators.
Most of the time, the people who care about us aren’t trying to hurt our feelings.
Knowing this about ourselves helps us be more patient with other people too. When someone offends you, it’s wise and a sign of emotional maturity to take a moment and check what they meant.
Most of the time, the people who care about us aren’t trying to hurt our feelings.
The other day, chatting in the car, my partner said something that felt like a punch in the guts. I interpreted his statement as “You talk big plans but you don’t end up doing anything.” Ouch!
After a few minutes of silence to compose myself and recover, I decided to ask him what he meant.
“When you said that, it sounded to me you think I don’t do anything? Did you mean it that way?”
He quickly explained himself and apologized for how it’d come out the first time. He’d meant something quite different.
I could have taken offense, felt hurt, and let his comment ruin our afternoon — even damage our relationship.
Offense is one of the easiest ways to damage a relationship or friendship. The key to not taking offense too quickly with our friends and family is to remember that they love us. They don’t intentionally want to hurt us. (If they do, then we shouldn’t keep them around! Never tolerate abuse, bullying, or aggression.)
To overlook offence, try thinking these phrases:
- They usually have my best interest at heart.
- They care about me so probably didn’t mean to be offensive.
- Perhaps what they said didn’t come out right.
- Maybe they’re tired, stressed, or had a bad day at work and spoke without fully thinking. How can I help them feel less stressed?
Then check what they meant. Have a talk.
Why some people get so easily offended
It’s a delicate dance being friends with someone who is easy to offend. It can also be a sign that they need to do some work on themselves. Being quick to offense can come from past trauma, insecurity, unrealistic expectations, anxiety, or even control issues.
If you have a friend or family member who is always offended, it’s important to show them empathy — they might be struggling. Saying that though, you don’t need to put up with walking on eggshells around them. It’s their problem, not yours.
If you have a friend or family member who is always offended, it’s important to show them empathy — they might be struggling.
It’s not the easiest issue to change either. They think they’re in the right. Why should they change their behavior when everyone else is wrong? Their mindset is: “Other people need to say things more clearly and carefully. They need to follow the rules of politeness. They need to remember how much I hate that tone/ word/ phrase/ topic!”
The problem is it’s unrealistic to expect people to get it right all the time. We make mistakes. We use the wrong tone when we’re tired. We blurt or speak without thinking. We forget the “rules”.
It ends up being a situation where one person is constantly worried they’ll say the wrong thing and upset the other. That’s no fun.
Eventually Kate spoke to me again. She and her boyfriend took a trip overseas and, while in Vietnam, had a huge relationship-ending argument. She was so offended, she left him stranded in a Vietnamese hotel and continued her trip alone. With a new offense to focus on, she forgot about the one with me. It made the final few months living with her easier, but I was relieved when she moved out.
The next time your loved ones say something stupid, instead of getting offended, be patient — just like you would want them to be with you.
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